Wednesday, June 7, 2023

99 Chuck Norris Approved Jokes. Read Now, or else!

  • Chuck Norris is known as one of the best action heroes in the past 50 years!   Invincible, hyper-masculine, sophisticated. If you look up any of these words in the dictionary all you’ll find is a picture of Chuck Norris. And the superlatives don’t end there… He’s mega-tough, unmatched, and omnipotent. He’s the superheroes superhero. Whatever the question, Chuck Norris is the answer.
  • Here's 99 Chuck Norris Facts that are unquestionably true. Read, digest, laugh, nod in agreement. That’s the wisest course of action.
  1. Chuck Norris keeps a diary. It’s called The Guinness Book Of World Records.
  2. Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
  3. Superman sleeps in a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
  4. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
  5. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
  6. Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
  7. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  8. Chuck Norris doesn’t get a flu shot. He is the vaccine.
  9. While learning C.P.R. Chuck Norris brought the dummy to life.
  10. When Google has a question they “Norris” it.
  11. Before the Boogeyman goes to sleep he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
  12. Santa Claus visits Chuck Norris’ house first.
  13. Chuck Norris can run on water.
  14. Chuck Norris’ blood type is A-K 47.
  15. Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why there’s no sign of life.
  16. The dark is scared of Chuck Norris.
  17. Chuck Norris actually died ten years ago. Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him.
  18. Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on the shower. He stares at it until it starts to cry.
  19. Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
  20. Chuck Norris. Born: 1940 Died: Never.
  21. At Easter Chuck Norris has hot cross Chuck Norris.
  22. Chuck Norris’ dog picks up his own crap.
  23. When there’s a meteor shower Chuck Norris grabs a bar of soap.
  24. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
  25. When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the earth down.
  26. If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
  27. Chuck Norris went to Hungry Jack’s and got a Big Mac.
  28. There is no theory of evolution. Just the creatures Chuck Norris allowed to live.
  29. Chuck Norris boils the kettle by staring at it .
  30. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  31. Time stands still for no man. Unless it’s Chuck Norris.
  32. Elvis has left the building. Because Chuck Norris told him to.
  33. Traffic lights never turn red for Chuck Norris. Nothing stops Chuck Norris.
  34. Netflix doesn’t make recommendations to Chuck Norris about what he can watch next. Netflix waits for Chuck Norris to tell them what to screen.
  35. Chuck Norris never showers. He only takes blood baths.
  36. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in three moves.
  37. The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed.
  38. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
  39. Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes. He knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  40. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
  41. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
  42. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make him drink.
  43. Chuck Norris doesn’t play the lottery. It doesn’t have enough balls.
  44. Chuck Norris doesn’t own a house. He walks into random houses and people leave.
  45. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
  46. Superman and Chuck Norris had an arm wrestle. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.
  47. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug. It’s not dead, it’s just too afraid to move.
  48. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
  49. Chuck Norris won The Voice using sign language.
  50. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  51. Chuck Norris doesn’t win. He allows you to lose.
  52. Chuck Norris can watch the radio.
  53. Chuck Norris doesn’t need an account. He just logs in.
  54. Chuck Norris doesn’t leave a message. You have 3 seconds to ring him back.
  55. Chuck Norris always comes first. Just ask the chicken and the egg.
  56. If Chuck Norris has a pen, the pen is mightier than the sword.
  57. When one door closes Chuck Norris kicks it in.
  58. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets hot.
  59. Chuck Norris can get stone out of blood.
  60. Chuck Norris doesn’t panic buy toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
  61. Chuck Norris not only shot the sheriff, but he roundhoused the deputy too.
  62. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He just waits.
  63. Chuck Norris has never blinked. Never,ever.
  64. Chuck Norris breathes slowly. Seven times a day.
  65. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
  66. The magic word is please. As in “please don’t kill me”. Unfortunately Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic.
  67. Chuck Norris takes 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
  68. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are today known as a giraffe.
  69. We live in an expanding universe. The universe is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
  70. Chuck Norris strikes lightning.
  71. Chuck Norris stared at the eclipse and the eclipse looked away.
  72. With Chuck Norris as world leader there’d be no crime. Just punishment.
  73. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made of real cowboys.
  74. Chuck Norris’ computer doesn’t have a shift key. Chuck Norris doesn’t shift for anyone.
  75. Chuck Norris can crack walnuts with his eyelids.
  76. Everyone has a skeleton in the closet. Chuck Norris has 5,789.
  77. Chuck Norris slept through the Big Bang.
  78. You might say Chuck Norris can’t act. But you won’t say anything else. Ever.
  79. Chuck Norris plays soccer with a bowling ball.
  80. Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for crying scenes.
  81. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He just decides what time it is.
  82. Every winner should first say, “I’d like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing.”
  83. Chuck Norris protects his bodyguards.
  84. When Chuck Norris enters a courtroom the judge stands up.
  85. When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, the glass shatters. Not even a mirror is stupid enough to get between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
  86. Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.
  87. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and looks like a duck but Chuck Norris says it’s a sheep, then it’s a sheep.
  88. Bruce Springsteen calls Chuck Norris, “The Boss”.
  89. Chuck Norris can whistle in sign language.
  90. If Chuck Norris was a Spartan the movie would have been called, “1”.
  91. Aliens believe in Chuck Norris.
  92. When Batman is in trouble he turns on the Chuck Norris signal.
  93. Chuck Norris can remember the future.
  94. When Chuck Norris was born the doctor exclaimed, “It’s a man!”.
  95. Chuck Norris once broke the sound barrier. In half.
  96. The Hulk and Chuck Norris had a fight in the forest. The Hulk is now known as Shrek.
  97. Steroids are made from Chuck Norris.
  98. Chuck Norris can experience a once in a lifetime occurrence. Twice.
  99. Chuck Norris is the only weapon allowed through airport security.

Tuesday, June 6, 2023

Notable Quotes

"Save your money, pay your taxes, it doesn't last forever..." -- "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, WWE Hall of Fame

"Good contracts make good friends." -- "Big Don" Jankoski

"Hang on the walls of your mind the memory of your successes. Think of the good jobs you've done. Think of the times when you rose above your average level of performance and carried out an idea or a dream. Hang those pictures on the walls of your mind, and look at them as you travel the roadway of life." -- Alex Saltonovicz

"If rich people could pay poor people to die for them, poor people would do very well." -- Yiddish Proverb

"Anyone may so arrange his affairs that his taxes shall be as low as possible; he is not bound to choose that pattern which will best pay the Treasury; there is not even a patriotic duty to increase one's taxes. Over and over again the Courts have said that there is nothing sinister in so arranging affairs as to keep taxes as low as possible. Everyone does it, rich and poor alike and all do right, for nobody owes any public duty to pay more than the law demands." -- As Judge Learned Hand (1872 - 1961) stated in Helvering v. Gregory. 9 F.2d 809, 810 (2nd Cir.1934) aff'd 293 U.S. S. Ct. 266 (1935)

"I will persist until I succeed. I was not delivered into this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. The slaugherhouse of failure is not my destiny. I will persist until I succeed." -- From the ancient scroll marked III, Og Mandino

Chuck Norris created the martial art Chun Kuk Do, which is based primarily on Tang Soo Do and includes elements from every combat style he knows. Like many other martial arts Chun Kuk Do includes a code of honor and rules to live by. These rules are from Chuck Norris' personal code. They are:
I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.
I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.
I will continually work at developing love, happiness and loyalty in my family.
I will look for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile.
If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.
I will always be as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness.
I will maintain respect for those in authority and demonstrate this respect at all times.
I will always remain loyal to God, my country, family and my friends.
I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country, and myself.

"Rabbits are the sign of fertility and new life -- known for their ability to make great leaps and hops. If a rabbit shows up it means you should plan for possibilities -- need to do more planning or check those you have already set in motion -- you do not want to box yourself in a corner -- it is important not to foreshadow your moves. Rabbits are clever at doubling back, making quick and rapid turns -- learning to shift from freezing to great speed will aid your success and enable you to take advantage of opportunities that may only present themselves for brief moments. Rabbits are vegetarians -- you need to examine the foods you are consuming. Vegetarian diet will strengthen and heal." -- Anon.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Better to live modestly within your means than stressfully outside them." -- Anon.

"Don't be intimidated by power, wealth or station, character alone makes all the difference." -- "Joe" Biden, Jr., 47th Vice President of the United States

"If you are chasing your dreams, you are not running fast enough." -- Todd Alexander

"Remember, attitude is the only thing, it makes all the difference." -- Todd Alexander

"If we are ever in doubt about what to do, it is a good rule to ask ourselves what we shall wish on the morrow that we had done." -- John Lubbock—British statesman (1834–1913)

"Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure." -- Norman Vincent Peale

"Chance favors the prepared mind." -- Louis Pasteur

Whether our efforts are, or not, favored by life, let us be able to say, when we come near the great goal, 'I have done what I could'." -- Louis Pasteur

“Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength lies solely in my tenacity.” -- Louis Pasteur

"Believe you will succeed, and you will." -- Dale Carnegie

"Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view." -- Dale Carnegie

"The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way." -- Dale Carnegie

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Enjoy what you can, and endure what you must." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet, novelist, & playwright (1749 - 1832)

"Respect other people and value the difference." -- Anon.

"When faced with a choice of what to do, always err on the safe side." -- Jack P. Friedman

"Nobody can steal your joy unless you let them." -- Scriptures

"They are able who think they are." -- Virgil

"Fate, dear Brutus, lies not with the stars but within ourselves." -- Julius Caesar

"Time is the only commodity that is inelastic; once it's gone, you can never get it back." -- Economics 101

"To move the world, we must first move ourselves." -- Socrates

"Give me a place to stand and I can move the earth." -- Archimedes

"Terrorists try and shake our will, and shake our confidence. They will find out differently." -- George W. Bush, Jr.

"An error doesn't become a mistake...until you refuse to correct it." -- John F. Kennedy

"The truth will set you free." -- Anon.

"Let us dare to read, think, speak and write." -- John Adams, 1765

" Experience is a hard master, but fools will have no other." -- John Adams

"The only thing new in this world is the history you don't know." -- Harry S. Truman

"These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God." -- I John 5:13

"Regardless of your race, religion or political affiliation, never hesitate to question those in authority." -- Tavis Smiley

"One man with courage is a majority" -- Andrew Jackson

"The avoidance of taxes is the only pursuit that still carries any reward." -- John Maynard Keynes

"Live every day with an attitude of gratitude." -- Anthony Robbins

"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key!" -- The Eagles

"I would rather receive one percent of the income of 100 men, than 100% of the income of one man." -- J. Paul Getty

"You are not truly wealthy unless you earn money while you are sleeping" -- Aristotile Onasis

[In an interview with Larry King] "I was lucky to be in the right place at the right time. But many others were also in the same place. The difference was that I took action." -- Bill Gates

"Chose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." -- Confucius, BC 551-479, Chinese Ethical Teacher, Philosopher

" - Envision a mission
- Be results oriented
- Tap your internal resources
- Enlist team spirit
- Treat set-backs as stepping stones" -- Charles A. Garfield

"We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open." -- Jawaharlal Nehru, 1889-1964, Indian Nationalist, Statesman

"Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more; all good things will be yours." -- Swedish Proverb

"The wind and the waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators." -- Edward Gibbon, 1737-1794, British Historian

"Today is mine. It is unique. Nobody in the world has one exactly like it. It holds the sum of all my past experiences and all my future potential. I can fill it with joyous moments or ruin it with fruitless worry. If painful recollections of the past come into my mind, or frightening thoughts of the future, I can put them away. They cannot spoil today for me." -- Anonymous

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." -- Buddha, 568-488 BC, Founder of Buddhism

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challange and controversy." -- Martin Luther King, Jr., 1929-1968, American Black Leader, Nobel Prize Winner, 1964

"Be courageous! Whatever setbacks America has encountered, it has always emerged as a stronger and more prosperous nation.... Be brave as your fathers before you. Have faith and go forward!" -- Thomas A. Edison

"Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration. Accordingly, a 'genius' is often merely a talented person who has done all of his or her homework." -- Thomas A. Edison 1847-1931, American Inventor, Entrepreneur, Founder of GE

"Goals are dreams we convert to plans and take action to fulfill." -- Zig Ziglar

"Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success." -- Joyce Brothers

"Never walk away from failure. On the contrary, study it carefully for its hidden assets." -- Michael Korda

"It's hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." -- Theodore Roosevelt

"I always try to turn every disaster into an opportunity." -- John D. Rockefeller

"Never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." -- Harriet Beecher Stowe

"Push yourself again and again. Don't give an inch until the final buzzer sounds." -- Larry Bird

"You will become as small as your controlling desire, as great as your dominant aspiration." -- James Allen

"I do the very best I know how, the very best I can, and I mean to keep on doing it to the end." -- Abraham Lincoln

"Each man is as happy as he chooses to be." -- Abraham Lincoln

"No army can withstand the strength of an idea whose time has come." -- Victor Hugo

"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it." -- Ann Landers

"If only one wish to be happy, this could be easily accomplished. But we wish to be happier than other people. This is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are." -- Anonymous

"It's a game. Tax lawyers teach the rich how to play it so they can stay rich--and the IRS keeps changing the rules so we can keep getting rich teaching them." -- John Grisham

"A problem defined, is a problem half solved." -- Albert Einstein

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." -- Albert Einstein

"The only thing more expensive than education is ignorance." -- Kelly L. Reese

"Don't go near your prince unless he calls for you twice." -- 12th century German proverb

"We get old too soon, and smart too late" -- Pennsylvania Dutch proverb

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." -- Thomas Stearns Eliot

"Lord release our fears, cares and anxieties and fill our hearts with peace that only you can give to us." -- Amen.

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--mediate on these things" -- Philippians 4:8

"It is the Law of Gender: for every Male energy (yin) there is a corresponding Female energy (yang). These energies must be in balance for your life to be in harmony." -- Chinese proverb

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it's a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it's a thing to be achieved." --
William Bryan Jennings

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with
talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems
of the human race." -- Calvin Coolidge

"Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent" -- Calvin Coolidge

"Civilization and profits go hand in hand." -- Calvin Coolidge

"I want to find out who this FICA guy is and how come he's taking so much of my money." -- Nick Kypreos, Toronto Maple Leafs

"He who rejects change is the architect of decay." -- Prime Minister Harold Wilson, 1967

"You will never be powerful in life until you are powerful over your own money. How you think about it. How you feel about it. How you invest it. Nobody, nobody, is going to care about your money more than you do. What directly happens to your money effects the quality of your life." -- Suze Orman

"You and I have the right to do what you and I want economically." -- Robert E. Young

"We will not waver; we will not tire; we will not falter; and we will not fail. Peace and freedom will prevail." -- President George W. Bush, Jr., September 11, 2001

"When you are in the right, you can afford to keep your temper; and when you are in the wrong, you cannot afford to lose it." -- Gandhi

"You don't create wealth by the money you make. You create wealth by the money you keep. Rich people didn't get rich by giving their money away." -- Peter D. DeMarco

"If the problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good." -- Tibetan Buddist proverb

"The only reason they come to see me is that I know life is great and they know I know it." -- Clark Gable

"The Fountain of Youth is in your mind." -- Sophia Loren

"Look to your health; and if you have it, praise God, and value it next to a good conscience; for health is the second blessing that we mortals are capable of; a blessing that money cannot buy." -- Izaak Walton

"Life is simple." -- Dalip S. Mahal

"Things that matter most should never be at the mercy of things which matter least." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"It takes a great deal of boldness and a great deal of caution to make a great fortune, and when you've got it, it requires ten times as much wit to keep it." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Beware of little expenses. A small leak will sink a great ship." -- Ben Franklin

"Three of them may keep a secret if two of them are dead." -- Ben. Franklin

"To accept good advice is but to increase one's own ability." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"That which we acquire with the most difficulty we retain the longest; as those who have earned a fortune are usually more careful of it than those who have inherited one." -- Charles C. Colton

"The person who doesn't know where his next dollar is coming from usually doesn't know where his last dollar went." -- Unknown

"Your bottom line starts with your front line." -- John Villere

"A good friend is like a wonderful book... the inside is even better than the cover." -- Unknown

"You cannot teach a person anything, you can only help them find it within themselves." -- Galileo